the time has come when jer departs for his long awaited trip. as i sit in front of the computer, i lament because thursdays are nights we usually spend together after a long haul at work.
after my long haul, i came home to find daisies on my coffee table, accompanied by a card at the computer. how well he knows me to put the card there - it's the first thing i come to when i get home. of course this surprise made my heart melt and as i shed a few tears, i walked into my bedroom to get changed. what i saw was another daisy plant on his dresser. tears flooded from my face at that moment. it's not just that i'm going to miss him - our lives have been woven together for 2.5 years that being apart is so difficult.
not too long after, jer called and i was overjoyed to hear his voice. at the same time, i knew that he was about to leave me and that pain was difficult to bear. fighting back tears, albeit unsuccessfully, we said our good-byes. i know we'll talk again soon, although not soon enough for my liking. but i do believe that our love is so strong that we will not be apart from each other. we carry each other in our hearts wherever we go.
i will see him in munich and be glad that the time we spent apart made us grow into stronger people.

so jer leaves for his trip next thursday. this will be the longest time we will have spent apart. a whole two months before we see each other. of course this makes me feel a bit apprehensive because to me, that's a long time. it's not that i don't trust him, it's just that he will be seeing and meeting so many new people that i fear for the worst. but this is where we will see how strong we really are. we've survived so much this far, and we are still together. so, if we can get through that, we can get through this. and it sounds terrible...as though i don't trust him. i'm just being my usual paranoid self. you just read about stories and watch movies and it's always the worst. but i know he loves me and he will come home to me. plus we'll be reuniting in munich! AND we're going to vienna...so it will be magical!
on the flipside, i want him to have an amazing time. i mean, if he's going to be away from me, it better damn well be a kickass time. otherwise, i'll be SO mad!
i just know i'm going to miss him soooooooooo much. and it's normal that he won't be missing me as much because he'll be in europe. when i was there, i was so busy doing things that prevented me from moping around. and of course i missed him, but definitely not as much as he missed me. so, i suppose that's just the way the cookie crumbles.
so i'm asking everyone...i implore you - please keep me busy in the months of august and september. i will need all the help i can get. i will be suffering from jer deprivation and will need to be comforted. it sounds pathetic, but we spend a lot of time together and it will be difficult to spend that time alone. i already plan on seeing a lot of you guys whenever i can, so i hope this will be good catch up time. and i hope you don't think that i'm just using you or anything. but this does give me more opportunity and time to see more people.
i hope that he has an amazing time. and i can't wait until he comes home to me.

Brainy Kid

In high school, you were acing AP classes or hanging out in the computer lab. You may have been a bit of a geek back then, but now you're a total success!

href="Who'>http://www.blogthings.com/whowereyouinhighschoolquiz/">Who Were You In High School?

i totally ROCKED the audition i went to tonight!!! i can't remember the last time i felt SO good after an audition! and you know what? even if i don't get the part (which i hope i do!), i'll still be happy with how everything went!
i was so happy with myself that i decided that i deserved some presents. i skipped over to chapters, which was across the street anyway, and bought myself three books. as i was prancing down richmond st., i stopped in at the sugar shack and spent $11 on candy! this just reaffirms my unreadiness to settle down and be serious. i enjoy my impulse purchases too much!
anyway, i'm happy! life is good, love is great, and i couldn't ask for more! (except maybe more parts in films!)

so i was watching this documentary titled "loose change" about the plane crashes of september 11th, as well as the crash into the pentagon. basically, the theory of the documentarist (is that the proper word?) is that the planes crashing into the world trade centre was a cover up. there was pre-meditated government involvement whereby the government planted bombs in the buildings to bring them down. the planes were merely a trigger.
the documentary was really interesting and i'm not sure how accurate the information is, but it definitely raises a lot of questions as to what really happened. included with these theories were numerous footage. with the technology that is available nowadays, i've become extremely skeptical about whether what you see is really accurate. now i know the goal of documentarists are to provide factual information, otherwise their credibility is severely questioned - and that defeats the purpose of the documentary in the first place. so i suppose it's safe to say that they are trying to convey the truth. BUT, truth according to who? and what is it we want to believe? i mean, actual footage can be used (without being tampered) to convey a message according to what you want to portray. you can use what you have and have it work for you at the same time.
now don't mistake my skepticism as a defense for the american government. i just find it frightening that we have this plethora of information that is being spouted at us (whether accurate and truthful or not), and we have to use our own knowledge to determine what is real. and sometimes it's hard to even believe what is factual after it all. things get distorted, we get jaded, and perhaps what we believe is simply a defiance of something else. to go off on a tangent, it's like the current election here. people are jaded from the liberals, and may decide to vote conservative or ndp, but really they may not believe in the latter two parties' platforms, but refuse to vote liberal because they feel they've been screwed by them enough.
anyway, i'm not quite sure what my point is. i guess it's just scary to hear other people's theories about things and have it make sense, but at the same time, not be comfortable enough to take a stand because really, how much is true? i think that deception cripples people in so many ways. people can live their entire lives in deceit and not even know it. or worse, some will know it but choose to ignore it.
augh...i'm going off onto more tangents. let's just say that i'm confused...and just when things seem clear, it all goes back to square one and you have to start over again.

another somewhat pivotal holiday has passed - new years. not my favourite of the bunch, but it was pretty decent this year, albeit a bit quiet. we had planned to go out, but instead we stayed in, watched 'chappelle's show' and counted down. i was a bit disappointed that i had to initiated the new year's kiss, but is it superficial to think that way? i mean, i had thought jer would have turned around right away to give me a kiss, but i was wrong. anyway, it might be silly to fret over.
the cottage was a bit rustic, but liveable for the weekend. it was fun trying to pack everyone in. jer and i did cross country skiing on saturday and it was a workout!! it's a bit boring, but you do get to catch the scenery a big more. last night was a totally different story.
let me just give a bit of background behind skiing. i started skiing when i was around 7-8...we went almost every weekend during the season for about 7 years. i stopped skiing when i was around 15. so judging from all those years, i've had some experience. however, having not skiied for 10 years, i was a bit apprehensive, but not completely because i thought it was just like riding a bike - you never forget. one thing though: you have to have the proper equipment to maximize your ability. my skiis were too long, thin, and tapered at the front. now ten years ago, i was an experienced skiier whose need for speed was the reason for the increased length in skiis. silly me, i thought i could recapture that ability after not doing it for 10 years. and let me tell you, they don't say that skiing is an extreme sport for no reason! i felt like i hadn't skiied AT ALL in my life!!! i fell on the bunny hill, i fell on the harder hills, and i had TWO major wipeouts where my ski fell off! man, was i mad at myself!!! don't get me wrong, i was able to get right up and try again - that i didn't forget -but it was frustrating not being able to do the things i used to be able to do. so i called it quits about an hour earlier before everyone else. man alive. i'm paying for it, today. my muscles hurt and i'm black and blue all over.

anyway, that was my new years. no resolutions...didn't bring it in with a bang. it was just a nice night...quiet. until we were woken by the drunken crew...but that's a story i won't get into.

so, happy new year. a time for new beginnings and old friends.

here's to 2006. hope it's a good one.

1. ONE OF YOUR SCARS, HOW DID YOU GET IT?

on my right leg...from my dumb brother.

2. WHAT IS ON THE WALLS IN YOUR ROOM?

paint...and my plaqued autographed 'rent' poster. ..more to come, though.

3. WHAT DOES YOUR CELL PHONE LOOK LIKE?

silver. i like it. i kind of wish i got a camera phone, though.

4. WHAT MUSIC DO YOU LIKE TO LISTEN TO?

everything but country, really.

5. DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME YOU WERE BORN?

no clue.

6. WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING?

to love and to be loved. and to be happy. i think i'm doing pretty good so far.

7. WHAT DO YOU MISS AT TIMES?

high school...my girls...not having so many responsibilities.

8. WHAT IS YOUR MOST PRIZED POSSESSION?

my journals...my books...

9. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SMELL?

the boy when he comes out of the shower...freshly baked apple pie...pumpkin pie...i love lots of smells. scent is very important to me.

10. DO YOU GET CLAUSTROPHOBIC?

i only remember one time being slightly claustrophic. it was the drive to stratford this year, sitting in the backseat with two other people and i felt squished!!

11. IF YOU DIED TOMORROW:

um...what?

12. THE LAST PERSON TO MAKE YOU CRY?

probably myself...and maybe the boy.

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE COLOGNE/PERFUME?

so pink, happy, ralph lauren, ck one (just because of the boy) and crave (for the same reason). but that issey miyake for guys is pretty damn good, too. same with cool water.

14. WHAT KIND OF HAIR DO YOU LIKE ON THE OPPOSITE SEX?

not long...not too short. i dunno..i'm not that picky. none of that emo shit, though.

15. WHERE CAN YOU SEE YOURSELF PROPOSING TO SOMEONE?

i don't think i would ever propose. i'm kind of old fashioned like that. i want the guy to propose on bended knee after asking for my parents' blessings.

19. WHO IS THE LAST PERSON YOU MADE MAD?

i have no idea.

20. DO YOU SPEAK ANOTHER LANGUAGE?

french and cantonese.

21. WHAT WAS THE FIRST GIFT SOMEONE EVER GAVE YOU (OF THE OPPOSITE SEX)?

oh man...i have no idea. i remember the most recent, though.

28. WOULD YOU FALL IN LOVE KNOWING THAT THE PERSON IS LEAVING?

probably. i'm stupid like that.

29. WHAT IS THE BEST WAY TO TELL SOMEONE HOW MUCH THEY MEAN TO YOU?

be up front and honest.

30. SAY A NUMBER FROM ONE TO A HUNDRED:

2

32. WHAT IS THE ONE NUMBER YOU CALL OFTEN?

i think it's a toss up between work and jer. sad, isn't it? the work part, that is.

33. WHAT ANNOYS YOU THE MOST?

mean people. stupid people. people who think they're smart, but are really dumb. snobby people. ungrateful, lazy people who have everything, but don't appreciate it. and ugly feet.

34. HAVE YOU EVER DONE A PRANK CALL?

yeah, in elementary school.

39. WHAT WERE YOU DOING BEFORE YOU FILLED OUT THIS SURVEY?

watching 'seinfeld'.

40. IF YOU COULD GET PLASTIC SURGERY, WHAT WOULD IT BE?

i wouldn't. unless it was reconstructive surgery.

41. WHY DID YOU FILL OUT THIS SURVEY?

boredom and i like being self-serving.

42. WHAT DO YOU LIKE ON YOUR PIZZA?

anything, really. tomatoes, green olives, eggplant, zucchini, broccoli, chicken...i'm not particularly picky.

43. WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF ALCOHOL BECAME ILLEGAL?

i'd drink it anyway. legalities never stopped me...well, that depends on what it is.

44. WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY?

a good time!!!

45. WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF IT SUDDENLY STARTED RAINING BLOOD?

that's a weird question.

46. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?

yeah, the damn figure skater.

.47. DO YOU WISH ON STARS?

absolutely. my favourite star, i named jack.

48. WHICH FINGER[S] IS YOUR FAVORITE?

my middle.

49. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY?

i dunno.

50. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?

it's ok...when i actually have time to write properly.

.51. DO LOOKS MATTER?

yes, to an extent.

52. HOW DO YOU RELEASE ANGER?

cry...vent...the usual ways.

53. WHERE IS YOUR SECOND HOME?

markham.

54. WHAT ARE YOUR NICKNAMES?

dorfeens, dd, dottie...

55. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?

heck yes.

.56. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?

hahaha...no. i do it the lazy way.

57. DO YOU THINK THAT YOU HAVE STRONG POINTS?

sure..my elbows are pretty strong and pointy.

58. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR?

green tea, maple walnut, pistachio....

59. What is your shoe size?

7 1/2.

60. WHAT ARE YOUR FAVORITE COLORS?

blue, green, red...

61. HOW MANY WISDOM TEETH DO YOU HAVE?

zero.

62. WHO DO YOU MISS MOST RIGHT NOW?

at this moment...no one.

63. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS?

nope.

64. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?

some music on 'seinfeld'.

65. LAST THING YOU ATE?

some sweets sandra brought to work.

66. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?

rick.

67. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE IN THE OPPOSITE SEX?

smile and eyes.

68. DO YOU LOVE THE PERSON WHO POSTED THIS?

what?

69. HOW ARE YOU TODAY?

tired and sad about the weather.

70. FAVORITE DRINK?

iced tea.

71. FAVORITE ALCOHOLIC DRINK?

cranberry and vodka....amaretto and coke.

72. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SPORT?

i really like watching ncaa mens basketball.

73. FAVORITE HAIR COLOR?

mine. brownish black.

74. FAVORITE EYE COLOR?

blue or green.

75. DO YOU WEAR GLASSES?

i have glasses.. i don't wear them too often.

76. SIBLINGS?

mike.

77. FAVORITE MONTH?

march!! september...may!!!

78. FAVORITE FOOD?

cookies, cake, pizza, sushi, butter chicken...mmm....

79. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?

the wedding crashers

80. FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR?

Christmas eve!

81. ARE YOU TOO SHY TO ASK SOMEONE OUT?

yeah...sometimes.

82. SUMMER OR WINTER?

summer

83. HUGS OR KISSES?

both!


84. RELATIONSHIPS OR ONE-NIGHT STANDS?

relationships.

85. WHO IS THE MOST LIKELY TO ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS?

nobody.

86. WHO IS THE LEAST LIKELY TO ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS?

everybody!

87. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING RIGHT NOW?

angela's ashes

88. WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?

i don't have one.

89. FAVORITE BOARD GAME?

i really like absolute balderdash!!

90. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT?

didn't watch t.v.

91. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKE UP?

"Man...how much more time before i actually have to get up?!"

well, christmas has come and gone. there's always a build up and then it passes like a blink of an eye and you wonder where it went. all the preparations, all the excitement, all the anticipation comes to a halt...staggers for a bit...and then another build up forms - new years. i've never been a fan, but i've had two really great new years in a row, so i have hope. anyway, this blog isn't about the holidays per se, but really about reunions.
last night i got together with a bunch of friends from high school - the girls. it was particularly nostalgic because it was at carolyne's house. driving along bayview ave. was such a blast because i haven't been on that road in ages. ever since moving out, i haven't had a reason to really go to thornhill, and driving down those familiar roads brought back so many memories of high school. i passed by the street my ex-boyfriend used to live on; passed the shouldice hospital where a crush used to work at; passed a grocery store where lisa and i once bought a tub of ice cream and sat in the parking lot, eating it and talking about the dramas in our lives; the drive reminded me so much of the parties care used to have at her house. i honestly hadn't been to her house in years, and it was as if not a day had passed. you could still walk in without knocking, kick off your shoes, sit at the table or the couch, grab a drink from the fridge - care's home was like a second home to all of us. it still amazes me how our conversations are just so easy and that is a constant reassurance of just how close we all were and still are to some extent. i mean, there's the catching up conversations, but we've always been so open with each other that it's never become something of a formality. instead, it's genuine interest and desire to know where and what everyone is doing. we share lots of laughs and we really know each other because of all the history we have with each other. there's really nothing like old friends.
it's amazing to see how much we've all grown from kids to dare i say, women? we went through so much together - break ups, fights, drunken times, school pressure, university applications, drugs, moving out, so many life experiences.
i was sad to leave because it was like leaving high school, in a way. i mean, i really only talk to one or two of them on a constant basis, so it was really amazing to get together the way we did. if only we had all stayed and gotten drunk - that would have really been like old times.
i'm always going to love my girls, no matter where i am in life, they are the ones who helped shape me during the most formative years of my life. i owe a lot to them and i am forever grateful that we were a part of each others lives - and still are, no matter how small.
man, i'd forgotten how much i'd missed them...